Monday, July 15, 2013

An open letter to the mother of the boy bullying my son...

This letter is to the mother of the boy that is bullying my son at summer camp.

You do not know me, nor do I know you. I have no idea what you look like, where you live, what you do for a living, what kind of car you drive or whether or not you are a good mother. I have crossed your path under circumstances which I wish were different. I wish we met at camp pick up and laughed over some common camp lunchbox mix-up situation and became fast friends, but that is not the case.

You do not know my child. He is an astounding + amazing boy with different abilities, strengths and weaknesses. He is a child on the Spectrum and he is simply extraordinary. I am honored to be his mother. He is a sweet, kind, funny and a beautiful soul. He wakes up with a song in his heart. He has attended this summer camp for several years now. This camp is quite a distance from my home, but my sons love it so much, I happily make the trip out and back there each day. Sometimes 60 miles a day~because my children really enjoy the camp experience, the counselors and all the fun they have. My sons looks forward to this special time each and every summer.

Your son is a year or two older than mine. My children have been at the camp for years-this seems to be your child's first year. My child is the one that your son was "spanking" and smacking on the behind last Friday. Your son was chasing my son, pinning him down and "spanking" him because he was not moving fast enough to where he wanted my son to go next. He was giving my son commands and my son could not move fast enough, so your son was hitting him as punishment. My son told him to get off him and to stop smacking him, your son would not. My son finally ran free and frantically ran to a friend he saw and begged for help. This friend was also then "spanked" by your son. The friend found a counselor and reported everything. I had no idea any of this had gone on until I got back into the car on Friday afternoon. My son mentioned it as soon as he entered the car and I kept asking him what he meant "by getting spanked?" He could not really describe it-he does not have the best of communication skills, but he was clearly upset by it. Because I know my son and I always give every single child the benefit of the doubt, I asked my son a hundred times if he was bothering your son or doing something inappropriate or just playing with your son and it escalated from there. He said "no." He did not talk about it the rest of the weekend. I tried to put it out of my mind did not think about it much the remainder of the weekend. I just thought it was a fluke and would not be any kind of issue in the future. Maybe you spank your son, maybe you don't, but your child is clearly aggressive and violently inappropriate.

I arrived at camp this morning and was surprised to be pulled aside by the Director. She wanted to speak to me about what had happened on Friday. She explained that they were aware of everything, taking it very seriously and had just talked to you about your son's behavior. I was kind of surprised that it was discussed this morning, but I was happy that at least they were all aware and taking it seriously. I went on my way and day and returned to camp around 1:00pm-about an hour early due to the extreme heat-and I saw my son sitting on the bench, staring at the parking lot~waiting for me. As soon as he saw me, he started crying. He told me he "just really missed me." This was extremely unusual behavior.

I got the boys into the car and I casually asked him if that boy had bothered him today...He said "yes." I was shocked and asked him to tell me what happened. He did not want to tell me...I asked his brother and the other boy I had with me to tell me and they were just trying to get my son to say it...He finally said that your son called him some names. I asked "like what names?" He did not want to tell me. He did not know the one word and did not want to say it. I told him it was okay and he was not going to get into trouble. He told me that your son called him a "nigga."
I could not breathe and I could not believe what I had just heard and I asked him to repeat it and he did. He then asked me, along with the other two boys what that word meant. I have never felt such rage in my entire life. Ever.
Why anyone, let alone a child, would use a word like that is a mystery beyond my comprehension. Deplorable. Disgusting. I immediately got out of the car and advised the Director of this and she told me that your son has been using language like that since the first day of camp. She advised me that she did speak to you about that as well. She also let me know that your son will be suspended for two days because they have to  follow "protocol" for legal reasons when a child disobeys the rules.

I got back into my car and started the drive home and then my son dropped the other bombshell-your son told my son that his Minecraft baseball hat was "gay" and that he was "gay." I almost drove off the side of the road. I also hear how your son picked on another sweet developmentally delayed child because he was wearing a Disney t-shirt. And...I also hear how your son was chasing a little kindergarten girl in the field that had to be stopped by the Director. Maybe you know all this, maybe you don't, but I hope you are listening to what I am saying.

Again, I do not know you. You do not know me. But what I do know is your child has crossed the line with my son, with my family, with several other kids at camp. You were made aware of this on Friday, but, yet he continued this sickening behavior on Monday. You might be a great mom, you might not, but you need to be aware that your child's actions have taken something from my child. Your son's disgusting vocabulary has changed my sons today. Your son is a bully in every sense of the word. Picking on children that will not or cannot fight back is grotesque + shameful. Beyond comprehension. Maybe you have taught him better, maybe you have not, but he is clearly a lost child that needs some guidance. Children with different needs are always the easiest target for a coward. All of the children your son is picking on are so much younger which makes it all even more heinous. I cannot fathom how he would ever think it appropriate to hit another child or to use such disgusting words let alone think them.

I cannot quite put my finger on the feelings I have for you~maybe rage, pity, disgust, confusion. This is not an isolated incident~your son needs serious help. He is so young, but so old. Please do whatever it takes to get him the help he needs.Most likely, your son will do something else horrible in the next week which will have him removed from camp entirely. If he touches a hair on my son's head or a freckle on his sweet nose, I will call the police without a moment's hesitation.

I hope this serves as a reminder to all of us to teach our children kindness and right from wrong. We all need reminders now and again.

My beautiful sons are changed today in a way which disturbs my soul. Innocence lost to a bully. I could not protect them or shield them from your child's vile mouth or his hands. I will live with that guilt, but I cannot change what has already been done. I would do anything to erase this all from my kids' memories. I will choose to use this as an example of how never to behave. I hope you are wise enough to really listen and take action for the sake of your family and so many others.



Anonymous said...


Miranda Hayes said...

This is heart breaking Kristy!!!! I hope your boys can enjoy the rest of the summer and this kid will either be expelled or transferred! Its so hard to put your children out in public and others take advantage of them and all you want them to do is enjoy life! It makes you want to put them in a bubble! SMH! I can't imagine what you must be feeling because I am feeling some sort of way! What is this world and the people who live in it coming to!

Lee Apgar said...

This makes me so sad. That your happy little boy had such an awful experience at a place he loves and feels comfortable at is just awful. As a mom of 5, I feel your pain. Im so sorry you and your sons are going through this. God Bless xoxo

Anonymous said...

This has brought tears to my eyes and truly makes my heart cry for your son. Words cannot express how sorry I am that your boys had to endure this at a place they held so dear in their own hearts.

Anonymous said...

While I commend you for standing up for your children and their innocence, It seems as though you are chastising this mother rather than emphasizing with her. She may be doing her best, and she may be a fantastic mother, who has a disturbed child. Maybe this child has just recently started these behaviors for some reason, or maybe he has been doing it and the parents need some parenting help or maybe even more for their child. I imagine that if the child spoke and spanked your children in such a way, that the behaviors carry on in the home as well. But in this case, the child is the bully, not the mother.

Peace and blessings to you and your children,

Anonymous said...

Glitter to you...... hope many will read this! Especially one particular mom.

Donna @ Party Wishes said...

So sorry to hear this Kristy. My son is also on the spectrum and has been bullied by another child on the spectrum. It's so difficult.
To address the 5th commenter: Kristy is addressing the mother because as parents YOU are responsible for the actions of your child. You teach your child to be a kind person. If he struggles with this idea and chooses to hit and use foul language,it is the parent's responsibility to get help for the child. Children are not born knowing to hit others or born knowing hurtful words, they are learned.Clearly, the parent has allowed this child to be with people who have taught her son these behaviors. She's not saying it's the mom, but it is the family's duty to raise a child that doesn't attack others. I find it unbelievable that the camp has to follow legal rules to protect the attacker. Insane!

Trush said...

I suggest you not wait fir your child to be harmed. This boy is in trouble and clearly neither his parents nor the camp are prepared to deal with him. If a little girl was "spanked" they would call it a sexual assault. This bully needs to be on the radar, not only for your sons protection, but for the protection of other children. Only after a parent us on legal notice that their child's behavior is having a harmful affect on others can they be held legally accountable for their actions. Reporting these incidents to the police will provide that notice. You should also send something in writing to the camp. If they fear being held liable for any physical or emotional harm, perhaps they will be more responsive. I'm so sorry for your family. I was bullied as a child, not to this extent, but bullied nonetheless. I hope things improve and your sons can once again enjoy their camp.

Jessica Bell said...

hi i read your open letter and i agree with you and i am also sad that this has happened to your children. i would just like to say just as another way to look at the situation is that if this woman was informed of her childs actions and she is now aware of them since friday. if she is just finding out that this behavior has been happening for a while how much difference can the 2 days make in her correcting his behaviors. i am right there with you with your concern and you demand for it to be stoped i completely agree but i think maybe it could be handled in a different way. like i said it is my opinion and im not judging in any way just trying to help if i can . i have over the yrs seen and dealt with many different issues concerning my autistic brother and a lot of which have been involving full grown adults even teachers acting inappropriately. i have also learned that adults are not always as concerned as they say they are when dealing with this type of situation. they will often let things go until it is something that will be discussed by a concerned enough parent. meaning it is possible the councelers my have treated this behavior in a not so serious way untill they realized it had already gone to far. also maybe she is dealing with a child that is dealing with his issues in this way because she cant get the help he needs maybe you have some idea of what her next step should be and can help. i just think it would be more helpful to show her that your not judging her but want the situation to be resolved and want whats best for both of your children. if after that she doesnt do anything more even after help is offered then you cant help her and maybe you calling the police will get the point across . i hope everything is resolved with a happy ending and hope my opinion is helpful if not i am sorry

Janelle said...

Very well written. My heart breaks for your boys. I hope this mother seeks the help her son needs.

Birds Party said...

This is just pure simple bullying! My heart breaks for you and your boys! I hope this lady hears you, and does something about it. This kid should get counselling at the very least. And really should not be allowed at camp until he's properly behaved.
maybe she should really get your letter in hands too!

Ricaso said...

I hate bullies ..

Your sons have a wonderful caring mother

Hopefully the other child's parents will do something about it..

Best wishes to you and your children

Anonymous said...

I am the mother of a developmentally delayed child and this is one of my worst fears. My heart is breaking right now for you and your children, and i truly applaud you because i dont know that i wouldve been able to show as much restraint as you have. I hope everything works out. God bless you and your babies.

Frances Farmer-Cheda said...

Im so sorry Kristy. As you know my little girl is on the spectrum as well. This is my worst fear. Sorry your son had to experience this.

Anonymous said...

Open, honest and brutly raw letter. I get it. Having your child be bullied is a one of a parents worst nightmare. Especially sweet boys like yours....

I get that you are upset with this woman but sometimes good parents have challenging children. You can't assume that this mother has not tried everything in her power to help her son. Maybe she has, maybe she hasn't.... you can't be sure. I don't think any parent would want their child to behave that way. I have a good friend who's little girl has become the mean girl at school and she does everything she can to teach her daughter not to behave that way. Parents can only raise their children to be good human beings but when they are out of our care, we can only hope they behave. Their behavior is not always reflective of the love, teachings that we put into them. - Just giving another opinion.

Now, this boy should be removed from camp, plain and simple. We have a three strikes your out mentality and if they have known that this has been going for a WHILE...then they have also failed to protect your son and some of your anger should be directed towards them. Bullying laws in states are strong and you can press charges - which we be another wake up call for the boys parents, to get him serious targeted treatment.

I completely understand your stance...Just giving you something else to consider.

Kristy {the purple pug} said...

I am an understanding person. I am empathetic more than most, but parents need to take responsibility for their children. I respect differences of opinion. My strong opinion is that parents need to step it up and take full responsibility for the actions of their children.

I don't know anything about this woman except that she has a child that is out of control. She is the parent. It is her responsibility to get him help-not dump him off at summer camp or school to let someone else have to deal with him.

Parental responsibility.

We all have that responsibility to teach our children to be kind towards others and what is right and wrong.
There is no justification for this bully.
There is no need to try to justify the mother and her actions of lack thereof. She could be an excellent mother and her kid still has issues-it is then still her responsibility to get him help and not subject society to such a troubled person.

People need to be responsible for their children. Period. If they are out of control and the parents cannot help anymore-they need to seek outside help-not just let them have free reign to hurt others.

If my son did this to another child-there would be apologies, begging for forgiveness, trays of cookies and deepest regret. I would be beside myself-as would most people.

Your kid. Your responsibility.

raychelwish said...

I don't see how this woman could be a wonderful parent if her son is using the words he uses? Like Kristy, my son has never heard that word, and therefor would never be able to use it.
Even if a child hears a word from someone at school it would be so rare that they would never use it at home. And if a child uses a word like that at home it should be STOPPED IMMEDIATELY! With my 4 year old only being in preschool since September I am realizing that there are things I can no longer protect him from. I am struggling to find a way to reverse the affects of what he is being subjected to at school. Would it be so much easier to raise well behaved, caring children if they all were being raised that way?! :( It saddens me that there are other parents out there, my age living similar lifestyles, that don't see the need for positive role-modeling and caring behavior. I'm trying so hard to raise a kind individual. We NEED more of them!!! Good luck with all of this, Kristy. I really hope it gets resolved, and doesn't prevent your sons from enjoying camp!

Shelby N. said...

I'm not a mother, so I cannot even begin to know how you feel. I was shocked and appalled reading this. I can't believe that this kid is still at camp. Shouldn't he be kicked out as soon as he so much as lays a finger on another child??! It seems outrageous to me that this kid has had so many opportunities to emotionally and physicalally abuse your son.

I'm adding your family to my prayers tonight, and I hope that things get better. Your son deserves to play and have fun at camp without having to worry about what this other boy may say or do next. You are one heck of a fierce and awesome momma and I applaud you for writing this.

Cherie Balowski said...

Society needs more 'fierce and awesome' mommas like you!

My prayers that this somehow helps the family of the bullying boy, including him!

You have to wonder where children do learn things like this, perhaps it does come from aggression that he receives at home, or neglect.

Children don't know how to express how they feel but when they are not loved, cared for, one on one nurtured, they do get resentful and act out. They are screaming for help, attention, someone to care, some how.

Of course noone knows this particular family's circumstances for sure, but hopefully, God willing, somehow they will receive the help and guidance they all need.

One of the hardest things we have to do, the hardest, is forgive. Pray for the help that this family needs.

Anonymous said...


I agree with you 100 percent and I couldn't have put it better myself.

The Coons Family said...

This made me tear up... Last week was my first experience as a mom with my son being bullied. He was at football camp and it's his first year. He is so excited about this and has had the same boy tell him "that when no one is looking he will punch and kick him." Everyone knows this other boy by name. Yet, his parents are never there to correct him. I am so enraged and confused on how to handle the situation.
It is so sad when our sweet innocent children have to start dealing with these type of things. And I wonder how the bully's home lives are to act this way in the first place. I would NEVER allow such behavior from my kids toward others...
I hope your sweet boy keeps going to the camp and realizes that this other boy is only jealous. He is obviously not shown the same love as you show your son. And to use those words that he said to your son- despicable. shame on his parents if he learned them there. horrible.
Prayers to you and to all our innocent kids.

Bellenza Bistro said...

This is a very late comment for this post. But I do hope that you and your sons are all right after going through this traumatic experience. And I hope positive steps have been taken to help the other boy, too.

Chauncey said...


Nicole (Bellenza Party Suite) said...

This is very heartbreaking to read. I really wish that that little bully finds the kindness inside him and I wish that his parents set him straight as soon as possible, while there's still time. I wish you and your family the best! I'm very proud of you! You're a great mom!

Rehan Ahmed said...
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Rehan Ahmed said...
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